A Letter

10th July, 2008
Stratford-upon-Avon

Dear Friend of Mine (DFM),


I’m writing these modest lines on this recycled sheet of paper to let you know that yesterday I picked up from the post office the parcel you sent me crammed with presents to me and nobody else but me. Thank you. You’re my sunshine.
I really appreciate your generosity. It came as a surprise to find your dear Persian cat with its mouth taped. He was so quiet in there. First, I thought he had started his journey to the West, but then I realised you had doped him. Naughty girl!!! That was very clever of you!! Nobody has ever done that, I mean, to part with such a lovely possession. I’ll call it Kat. I’d like to teach him how to write his new name. Could you ever make him use a pencil by himself. Is he self-regulated in that respect or does he still need some kind of assistance?
Anyway, thanks to the list you included, I made sure the post office people hadn’t helped themselves. It’s amazing the number of people who feel entitled to the products of our consumerism. They are so vulgar. By the way, two days ago, two immigrants came, poor of course, begging for something. I gave them a dictionary of the English language to help them improve their English. It was appalling. I’m sure they were from South America, since I could hear some Latin accent in their speech. I always believed that the Roman Empire language was well dead and never to return, but, apparently, these people have unearthed it and use it. No wonder Latin America seems to be going backwards all the time. Coming back to your list, I have to thank you for the muffins you made yourself in your cooking lessons. I’ll give them a bite as soon as I get rid of all the film you used to protect them from God knows what kind of germs in the air these days. Also, I found very amusing the idea of combing my hair with an electric brush. First, I tried it on Kat, on his whiskers to be more precise, I’d like to send you a picture of him but I can’t get him out of his zone of proximal terror, that is, between the washing machine and the wall.
When did you find the time to knit that pair of gloves? I want to wear them now, but I’m afraid I’ll have to put off my wishes as the radio is forecasting 30º for today. I’ll keep them at hand in case we experience a spell of cold weather coming from the North Pole, or the South Pole, though, needless to say, that might take longer as it is so down there. How can people live so far from the North?
Well, dear not-so-young-any-more friend, I’m afraid I’ll have to let myself drop this pen as I’m having an appointment with the dentist in two hours and I really want to make sure my teeth and gums are clean. Do you think I might look too posh if I just give them a little dose of SUPERPOLISH?
Hope you keep healthy, merry and wise. Please, write to me after you read this letter; don’t reply as soon as you collect the envelope. Well, sad as it may seem, when you read these lines it might be too late. Again, take your time and write a nice long letter, you can include charts, graphs, or tables. You can even come up with a puzzle for me to solve.

All the best,

Your humble and devoted friend